Introduction to myself – part 2

Sorry for doing it in parts i did not thought that my blabbering mouth/hands can talk/write that much but to continue from where i left of my introduction..

Is is easy to stay in a small place and adjust or eccept the happiness and joy we get from that small place and that smaller croud of people if we dont know that there is a world which exists outside of or small world. I did not knew that there are people out there what a 3 year old thought that my sisters get all kind of adventures after they step out of that gate.. yes i did loved it when i was the sole person who was so privileged to have everyone’s attention on myself. But sometimes in my lonely adventure i longed to be with my sisters who god knows what will be doing right now in there schools you know how a 3 year old will think, they must be having fun playing games they dont take me because i am kid so they dont want to stuck with taking care of me..

There used to be sundays when i was the queen and everyone was my slave. I can do anything i can have anything because every one used to feel guilty leaving me alone in a house all by myself that to a locked house no one to talk no one to play, there was a time when i thought my father is a great man, teaching his daughters when the society is being cruel and telling him not to because why waste money and efforts just for the daughters to get married and go with there husbands what is the meaning of wasting our money on them. Father was the only uneducated literate person there he used to say they are my daughters i will do what i think is good for them for there future. Such a wise man. He was my hero. He was bagira to my mogali.

Sundays were the most happening days of my life i can get all my family to myself. My mom will make my favorite food my father will make me some toys my sisters and father will play with me.. sometimes when my sisters and there big friends will be mean and leave me on the stairs of the roof top my father will help me. Because the only way to go to the roof top was to jump from one to other that to you have to jump on a really thin wall then walk from one end to other then you can reach the roof top. And me being a tiny 3 years old couldn’t do it. My father used to make me climb on his back and he used to take me there.. there were 2 of my favorite tree a mango tree and one jamun (black plum) tree it was so easy to leap a little ahead and grab the mango’s which are near by. One day my sister had her 1st period. So her teacherst sent her home, it was a very big issue in india at that time you have to be isolated from everything you cant touch anything you cant go near any holy stuff. I used to have a key for the locked door, ao when ever some one comes home i used to give the key to them so they can open the door and come inside and free me from my Rapunzel’s castle. But because she came early i was already out running around the hen and dogs without cloths on i mean as a 3 year old i was preety smart if i spoil my cloths then mom will definitely know that somehow i manage to go out without anyone knowing.. so when my sister couldn’t find me she started to search for me, she found me with all my hair tangled and a puppy in my hand and i was sitting on a puppy like how you will ride a horse, she asked how i got out and all i told her about everything and that was our secret because there were times when mom and dad has to work in our farms and they used to lock all of us inside the house so now we knew how to get out have fun and when we know that mom dad will be home soon we used to go inside i used to lock the door from outside and then slide in from the tiny gap from the wooden door. I remember my 1st time going to a school. I was so excited but a little sad that i had to wear cloths, but you for the happiness of going to a school I’ll bear to wear cloths.. when i reached the school there was nothing new all my sister’s teacher knew me so i was there favorite kid already, 1st day was awesome i got to play with big kids and i had my own pick me up or i will cry driver which was my sister’s angry and strict maths professor who’s wife was also working in the same school. They didn’t had any kid, so he kind of become my savior the 1st time he saw me.. in later days he become my mentor as well as my partner in crime.

Everything was going great when the flood came and distroyed my perfect life. The houses where we used to live started to leak and there were other problems so father desided to shift to the nearby village where his mother used to live. I still dont know how someone who is so understanding and sensible to his wife and kids can leave his own mother who is widow to feed foe herself. Till then i did not know that i have anyone else then my parents and my sister’s and the teachers and there was this vendor who used to come to sell things so for me it was awesome to have a grandmother. She became my everything when we shifted to the village, because everything changed after we shifted my father had friends my mom had other housewife’s to chat with and my sister’s got there own friends who were near there age. And for me i become the smart person without people me my granny and the electronic things which i used to open and check how they work. I found this small boy who used to live in front of our house.

One day i was in a temple and drawing the statue of lord krishna there was some commotions out there so i went to check and i found a small boy doing the same thing i am doing so we become drawing friends we never used to talk more than what we have to talk. Then i told him that i like to make electronic stuff. So we became this people who draw together and make things, we made our 1st indoor cricket game. It was a board game but damn awesome. Then we made a boat which can actually float and sail in the water my father used to appreciate everything i do except my paitings.

In india we have a festival called diwali, we used to make forts with fountains and stuff using injection and saline. My father was proud but my friends father used to be furious because my friend was supposed to be working in farm not wasting time on some irrelevant things. Whenever he used to tell me to stay away from my friend i used to go and tell my grandmother i knew his father is afraid of my granny. Revenge is a sweet thing. He used to cover under my granny’s scary stare and her spicy tongue. I was very fortunate to have such a family. There were plenty of funny stuff i remember doing but I’ll come to the point where everything changed. I was 12 when we got the news that my sister has got selected in the most prestigious university in mumbai for her masters. Father told us all that we have to shift to the city. I know you will be thinking why shift the whole family but keep it in mind it was early 2000 i think, women from villages were not that privileged to have everything that a girl from city has in her normal life. So we all shifted i was in a unidentified territory i was quite confident about myself because of the sheltered life i had. But that turned into ego. So here where i was just an ordinary girl didn’t seat well with me. I was smart and athletic as well. My previous school had recommended me for the sports team in this new school. I wanted to become an auronotical engineer. So i was smart enough to pass all the entrance and everything for scholerships and all. In an year i become the jock of this new school. It was a girls school so everything was perfect. I was the person because of this new school had the highest ranking place in the city. So i knew they wont do anything to me i became careless and i was a bully, at that time i was infactuated by this 3 girls. One was a nerd smart 2nd ranking person in the whole school after me with almost 20% deference. And the other 2 girls were average students but social butterflies.

I used to meet this nerd when no one could find us or see us together i used to tell her how she can get her ranking up because her father was so furious that i came to her school and stole her place so i used to help her with all the academic stuff. One day in girls washroom it was our traditional day everyone was in there traditional attires except me i used to love to get everyone hyper so i was in a pant suit. When in girls washroom this 2 social butterflies kissed me on my chick. I liked it alot but when i was going out i was alone there out of the blue this nerd came and she kissed me so close to my lips, that was my 1st sexual awakening i wanted her to kiss me on my lips i didn’t know what it was why it was like that when it was even not possible for boys to do that to a girl. Only after marriage you can do things with your bride, that was back then.

I left without attending the event i went to my sister i told her everything, she was only 15 at the time she went to my other sister who was 18. Even she couldn’t help me she didn’t know what to do so she went to my big sister who was doing masters, she told my parents and my concern parents told this to the old people from our society for solution, i was outed everywhere without even knowing what does it means, i was a confused child who needed her family who was not there, they take me to a psychiatrist who didn’t know what is going on with me so he said its because of the chemical imbalance so from 13 to 17 i was having this therapy where they used to give me some kind of strong injection which only after touching my skin i used to sleep. 13 to 17 this time period i dont even remember much what happened or anything. Then i met this girl through my new junky friends who used to drink smoke do stuff which is not appropriate to tell here. But they were good people with bad past. I dont remember how i met them i dont remember when did i started to take all the things which at one point used to made me feel nauseous now made me feel alive. The way my life was going i lost my chance at becoming an auronotical engineer and i lost my chances at doing anything. Just because i choose wrong people to trust thats what i thought at the time.. so to take there anger on something i did all sort of things which were dangerous but they make me feel alive so i was ok with it. I stopped taking the pills and the injection when i was 17.

– to be continued

I’l continue the story in next part its almost 2079 words. And it feels to come clean about everything because no one knows me here personally so no one will judge me for anything. Coming up will be how i changed to something totally new to myself too and how i became something new and improved.

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Introduction of myself.

FB_IMG_1500067298476I am a female photographer from a very small town in maharashtra.. my father wanted a engineer and he got one but not the one that he wanted. I am an half engineer who likes to operate on poor electronic stuffs.. half engineer because sometimes i can connect them back as it is they were but sometimes you know accident happens.. not a big deal whenever it happens i run. Oh didn’t i told you that i love cycling and running alot.

This is my 1st time writing something for people. I used to love writing once upon a time, but father was strict when it comes to engineering so no distractions as to writing and reading and sketching because art is not a career its a hobby Father’s word not mine.

Then i met the very 1st love of my life, my camera, it was this old kodak camera with film roll. One film used to have 24 pictures and it was too expensive to buy them as well develope them, then i got an idea, i used to click without the film inside. You can here the sutter going off and everything, then came my sister’s highschool graduation it was such a huge deal for my father because my sister was the 1st girl from my village who went to study in churchgate university in mumbai. Now you will think we have not even heard about this university, its because it was ofline era, no computers no internet and we had this huge coin boxes to call our realatives and to call them was very expensive too. At my sisters graduation my father got me a film role with a strick order to not waste any of picture because he only had money for one film roll. And it was a tough situation because i was not trained photographer nor i had any idea as to how to save all pictures because i knew from 24 pictures there will be at least 5 to 6 picture which will be blurred because that time was not digital era it was early 20’s. Yes mumbai was digitalized at that time but our village was not. I knew that the picture get blurred out because either i or the people in photograph move then only it gets blurry so i had this idea that I’ll use something to stable the camera, that’s how i learn about tripod. I broke the fence which was made by some tree trunk and use that as a tripod and i told evryone to statue in some position so i can click them i even use some lanterns to give a smokie effect, it worked. My father liked them all. Since that day once in 2 months he used to buy me one film role. And he even used to develope them when i used to help him in our farm and beg him to get it develop. At that time i was 10 years old.

I remember how happy and how peaceful our life was when i was 3. I still remember everything as its only yesterday that i was 3 years old and the only dream i had was to go to school because it gets lonely when your sibling goes to school anf parents goes to farm and they lock you in the house because obviously in 90’s indian villages had never heard about babysitters.. i used to watch everything and evryone from a small gap from our wooden door my 1st invention was that door. I broke that door in a way that there was a small part of that door which can be removed and i used to go out roam around and when i know its time for my siblings to come back i will reluctantly go back to my house and fix that small part from the door and behave like a grumpy child who is locked up in a house for hours. Then my siblings used to pamper me.. did i told you that only i used to have a key to our house, we were poor farmer who used to leave in outskirts of our village with 6 to 7 more families, the place where we used to leave was surounded by jungle/forest. Snakes were the daily guest in our neighborhood, thankfully my father had a good knowledge about poisonous and non poisonous snakes and in our village snake was holy because lord shiva had one around his neck. So the snakes which were like our neighbors were non poisonous ones so father used to throw them out.

I have always dreamed about growing up. But now that i am a grown up, i want to be that brave kid who used to climb trees, and run around without care, the one who was not afraid of the snakes, and that one who was so trusty that her mom used to tie her to the tree so i wont just leave with anyone, because evryone from around the place used to love that kid, who could if given a chance can make hitler smile. That kid was lost aomewheso growning up. IllI comntico the story in my next post.and illI tell you all how i became this happy 25 year old from the grumpy 21 year old.

Till then feel free to text comments or anything which is possible.. actually now that i am thinking abt it i dont know if its possible to chat with someone, i should probably go and check it i guess.

Basically this was just a introduction post i dont know how it became my life story but i have written plenty of things i dont want to just delete and start again with the boring i like this and i like that stuff..

– you can call me HPANO_20171022_134338.jpg